2003
Volunteer Leader Training Guide
Thinking Outside the Box: Renewing Family Relationships
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Handouts & Visuals
Preparation
For background knowledge, consult the marriage units listed below. There are
also units on parenting and other family subjects at
http://www.arfamilies.org.
Marriage and couple relationships
Communication With Your Partner
Understanding Builds Marriages
Kindness Builds Strong Marriages
Forgiveness in a Strong Marriage
Learning Languages of Love in Marriage
Dealing With Conflict in Marriage
Getting Past Problems to Solutions in Marriage
Read through the following teaching suggestions and customize them to your
personality. You may also trim certain questions and discussions in order to fit
your time slot.
Make a copy of the handout for each participant.
Introduction
Humans have some automatic reactions that are helpful and some that are not.
By carefully filtering out our unhelpful reactions and by strengthening our
helpful reactions, we can improve our family relationships.
Target Audience
• EHC club members and other community groups.
Objectives and Major Teaching Points
1. Help participants identify automatic reactions in their
personal lives and family relationships that are counterproductive.
2. Help participants identify alternative ways of responding
to situations where their automatic reactions are unhelpful.
3. Help participants build systems that support their new
behavior (prompts, reminders, re-scripting).
Outline for Teaching the Lesson
Humans are programmed to do many things automatically. For instance, many of
us tie our shoes and get dressed and even cook many things without much thought.
We also remove our hand from a hot pan automatically. What other things do we do
automatically that are very helpful.
[Welcome all suggestions. For example, when we drive we swerve
to miss an obstacle. We do the laundry and clean the house without extensive
thought, etc.]
We are all very glad for such automatic reactions. They save us time and
preserve our safety. But we also have some automatic reactions that aren’t
helpful. Can anyone think of examples?
[Encourage participants to share their ideas. You can also
volunteer ideas such as: Sometimes we blame other people when things go wrong
before we take time to find the other side of the story. Sometimes we get mad at
people when they don’t do the things we wish they would. Sometimes we judge
people based on past actions without giving them opportunities to do better,
etc.]
What might happen if we don’t control our unhelpful automatic reactions?
[We can damage relationships -- things can get worse and worse
over time.]
As humans we can use our intelligence to hold on to our useful reactions and
change our unhelpful reactions. Let’s look at our automatic reactions that
aren’t helpful and better ways of reacting in each of four areas.
[Provide a handout to each person.]
The first area is our relationship with ourselves. Do we ever react to our
own mistakes in ways that are not helpful? Think about your own life. See if you
can list a problem to which you react with blaming yourself or others. Maybe you
dwell on your mistake. Sometimes you may give up. Can you think of a situation
where you have such reactions? If so, please describe the situation on your
paper next to the number 1. In the second column you could describe how you
usually react. In the third column you could describe new reactions you could
bring to the situation.
[Give class members a few minutes to write their answers. If
some seem lost, you might prompt them with possibilities. If a person has
trouble thinking of a situation from her own life, you may invite her to think
of someone she knows who has the problem of blaming self. Be sure to help
participants think of new and better ways of responding.]
Were any of you able to think of some better ways of reacting to your own
mistakes? Does anyone want to share?
[Allow a few class members to share their ideas if they want
to. They may have examples for "better reactions" of giving themselves credit
for progress or be patient with themselves and their growth. If class members
have had a hard time thinking of better ways of responding, encourage them to
consider some of the things suggested in this discussion. Encourage them to keep
looking for new and better ways.]
The second area is our relationship with children. When we get frustrated
with our children, we sometimes react without even thinking. We may lecture,
blame or punish even though we know that such actions don’t help. Even when our
children are grown, we often still have reactions to their decisions that are
filled with resentment or criticism. Do you have a child to whom you sometimes
have such an automatic reaction? If so, list the situation by the number 2. In
the middle column, you could describe the reaction you usually have. In the
right column, you might list other ways of reacting.
[Give class members time to complete the boxes on line 2.
Provide help as they request.]
Were any of you able to think of new reactions that you could bring to
difficult situations with children? Does anyone want to share?
[Help participants find better ways. They may think of things
like try to understand the child, teaching them, helping the child do better,
being patient or accepting them as they are.]
The third area is our relationship with other adults, such as a spouse or a
sibling. When we get frustrated with our spouse or siblings, we sometimes react
without even thinking. We may attack, hold a grudge, complain or blame even
though we know that such actions don’t help. Sometimes our reactions become an
ingrained habit because of years of reacting in the same way. Do you have a
spouse or sibling to whom you sometimes have such an automatic reaction? If so,
list the situation by the number 3. In the middle column you could describe the
reaction you usually have. In the right column, you might list other ways of
reacting.
[Give class members time to complete the boxes on line 3.
Provide help as they request.]
Were any of you able to think of new reactions that you could bring to
difficult situations? Does anyone want to share?
[Welcome comments. Some ways of responding more helpfully
include being understanding, allowing for differences, emphasizing the positive
and making a request. Encourage participants to find positive ways of dealing
with common challenges.]
The fourth area is our relationship with life. Sometimes life throws us
bitter and unwelcome surprises. When we get frustrated with life, we sometimes
react without even thinking. We may get angry or get discouraged even though we
know that such actions don’t help. Sometimes our reactions become an ingrained
habit because of years of reacting in the same way. Do you have life experiences
that sometimes generate such reactions? If so, list the situation by the number
4. In the middle column you could describe the reaction you usually have. In the
right column you might list other ways of reacting.
[Give class members time to complete the boxes on line 4.
Provide help as they request.]
Were any of you able to think of new reactions that you could bring to
difficult situations? Does anyone want to share?
[Welcome all ideas. Some people find it helpful to talk with
friends, work on satisfying projects or to exercise their faith. Encourage
participants to consider creative ways of responding to life.]
We have talked about a lot of things we could do differently in order to be
more effective. None of us can do all the things we hope to do. Old habits don’t
go away easily. What are some of the things we can do to support our efforts to
change unhelpful reactions?
[There are many different answers to this question. Some may
find it helpful to share their resolve with a friend. Many may want to focus on
only one thing at a time. Most of us find it useful to break our commitments
into small, manageable steps. It is also helpful to keep ourselves feeling
healthy and encouraged. You might recommend that each participant make a plan to
improve in one area.]
Thank you for taking part in this discussion today. If each of us cherishes
our healthy reactions while cultivating new reactions to replace those that are
not helpful, we will find ourselves getting better and better. We will probably
find our most important relationships getting stronger as well.
For more information on this unit, contact H. Wallace Goddard, Extension
Family Life Specialist,
wgoddard@uaex.edu or 501-671-2104.
Dr. Wallace Goddard, Extension Family Life Specialist
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