2001 Volunteer Leader Training Guide
Using Family Routines, Rituals and Traditions to Guide Children

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Introduction

How are family and community values passed from one generation to the next? What gives us the feeling that we belong? What shapes the standards we set for ourselves and expect from others? According to the ancient philosopher Confucius, the answer is ritual. Confucius believed that by shaping a society’s rituals, the ideal social harmony could be established. Throughout history, rituals, traditions and daily routines have been used to bind generations together and pass on the values, skill and wisdom central to family and community life. Interestingly, when communist China came to power in 1949, the first task was to radically change long-standing traditions and rituals. In a matter of a few years, the values, expectations and family roles resulting from two thousand years of tradition were dramatically changed. Dynasties were dead and China was forever different. Can changing rituals really transform a society? Absolutely. In fact, some social commentators have suggested that many of the problems in our society can be traced to the breakdown or loss of ritual and tradition. Of course, traditions can also encourage us to hold to attitudes and behaviors that are unhealthy. But as Confucius suggested, if given careful consideration, the rituals and traditions in our communities and families can help lead to social and family harmony.

Target Audience

• EHC leaders

• Intergenerational families (grandparents, parents, youth)

• 4-H leaders

Objectives

• To learn why family rituals, routines and traditions are important to families.

• To learn how family rituals, routines and traditions can be enriched and used as means to strengthen and unite families.

Opening Activity: "I’m Proud to Be an American" (Option 1)

Overview. Consider as a group all the traditions, symbols and celebrations we have to help instill patriotism in school children. Compare this effort to the rituals, routines and traditions we have in our homes to instill family values.

1. One of the goals of our public education system is to develop citizenship. As a nation, we strive to develop patriotism in our children.
    

2. How do we instill patriotism in our children?

• Symbols such as the flag, eagle, Statue of Liberty or national monuments.

• Stories of George Washington, Paul Revere and Abraham Lincoln.

• Patriotic songs such as the National Anthem, etc.

• Rituals such as flag ceremonies, recitation of the pledge of allegiance, etc.

• Celebrations such as Fourth of July firework displays.

3. How do such symbols or stories influence you?
    

4. How can we develop unity or common goals in our families?
    

5. Would it help to have a family flag or song to rally around? Do we have family symbols that unite us or remind of a family standard?
    

6. How do family traditions, rituals, celebrations or stories influence your behavior? What value messages do they convey?

Opening Activity: "Classroom Chaos" (Option 2)

Overview. The purpose of this activity is to illustrate how important simple routines are to creating clear expectation. The task is to pass out a multiple page handout in a disorderly way so participants are not sure if they have all the pages or not. The activity should create chaos. The importance and taken-for-granted aspects of routine should be made clear through this chaos.

• Pass out handouts in a confusing manner (checkerboard), or mixed up pages – from left to right and from front to back.
   

• Does everyone have all the handouts? Are you sure?
   

• When they were being passed out, did you know what to expect? How did you respond?
   

• Do we have routines or rituals in our families that help us to know what is expected and guide our behavior (e.g., morning routine, bedtime routine, etc.)?
   

• Routines, rituals and traditions are such a central part of family life that often they are difficult to recognize until they are disrupted.
   

• For the next few minutes, we’re going to consider the role of routines, rituals and traditions in family life.

Major Teaching Points

The ultimate goal of parenting is to adequately socialize children so they can be productive members of society. By practicing daily routines, rituals and participating in celebrations of life, parents can help guide their children to be successful individuals.

Rituals and routines can provide a stabilizing influence in lives of families by clarifying family expectations, creating predictability, transferring values and establishing a sense of continuity in the lives of children and adults.

Clarifying Expectation

1. Look at the picture that represents a heartbeat. Without any additional information, do you know what comes next? Could you continue to draw the established rhythm?
    

2. Rituals help us know what to expect. When a couple gets married, the boundaries and expectations change. The ritual of marriage signals that for both the couple and the community expectations are different. Likewise, graduation from high school may be viewed as a rite of passage into adulthood.
    

3. Much of the conflict in families stems from miscommunication about expectations.

• …but I thought your were going to take the garbage out.

• …I thought you’d spend time with me, instead of your friends once we got married.

• …I expected you to remember my birthday and treat me special.

4. Family routines, rituals and traditions help to outline what is expected. People are more likely to do what is expected if they know what is expected.

Creating Predictability

1. How would a mechanic feel if they could not diagnose a car problem and fix it? Incompetent.
    

2. How would a weatherman feel if they could never predict the weather? Incompetent.
    

3. Predictability in our life allows us to plan, prepare and respond in a competent way.
    

4. Routines, rituals and traditions help us know what to predict. When we know what’s to come, we can plan, prepare and respond appropriately. In short, we can be competent.

Transfer Meaning

1. Many holidays, celebrations and rituals are full of symbols. It seems those that receive the most attention have the most symbols. What values or messages are held by the symbol? For example, what does a wedding ring mean? What about a Valentine heart? What messages are conveyed through family heirlooms?
    

2. Routines, rituals and traditions also help us to unite and feel like we belong to something bigger than ourselves. The Olympics are full of rituals and symbolism and when the United State wins, we win.
    

3. Meaning and traditions are often passed through family stories. Can you finish the following statement. "Your grandfather was dirt poor, but he _______________." Such stories remind of the substance we’re made of…the expectations we hold. They provide hidden ground rules for living. They offer guidance based on the collective experiences of families.

The Rhythms of Life

1. Family routines, rituals and traditions create family rhythms. These rhythms provide stability and purpose. A characteristic that is important in an age of rapid change.
    

2. Family rhythms may center around daily activities (morning routines, bedtime rituals) or weekly activities (worship services, family night, date night).
    

3. Family rhythms may center around seasonal activities (holidays, sporting and hunting events, vacation).
    

4. Family rhythms can center around special events or rites of passage (driver’s license, graduation, voting, marriage, childbirth, religious ceremonies or family reunions).
    

5. Why is family rhythm important? Research has discovered that families with healthy routines, rituals and traditions are better protected during times of stress and transition (death, divorce, job loss, childbirth, natural disasters, etc.).
    

6. Families with healthy rituals also have a sense of identity, belonging and togetherness.

Characteristics of Family Rituals

Family rituals have a number of characteristics that give them influence and power. A few of the most important include:

• Role Assignment. They tell us who does what and when.

• Emotional Appeal. They stir our emotions and motivate us to action.

• Regularity–Rhythm. They have a regular pattern of occurrence.

• Attendance. There are generally expectations about who should attend.

• Planfulness. They are generally planned.

• Symbolic Significance. They have objects or activities that represent something else and remind us of a promise, event or family-held value.

Implementing Family Rituals: Nine Helpful Hints

1. Survey the rhythms in your family. What is happening or not happening?
    

2. Since "planfulness" is one of the key characteristics of rituals, create opportunities to plan…hold regular family meetings.
    

3. Embellish existing routines with more symbolism or affect. Raise the family flag. Give goodnight hugs as part of the bedtime routine. Say, "I love you."
    

4. Chain additional activities to existing routines. Instead of creating new routines, enrich existing ones by adding new steps. For example, add meditation or prayer time to a morning routine or read together each night.
    

5. Be consistent in the timing and delivery of routines and rituals so a family tradition will be born. However, recognize that life circumstances change. Children grow up and needs change. Also be flexible when needed.
    

6. Use visual or auditory cues to signal transitions or link elements within a routine or ritual. A hand clap, a bell or sudden silence can all help us recognize the beginning of a routine.
    

7. Celebrate family accomplishments, strengths or unifying events by sharing family stories.

• Tell children about your childhood. What was school like for you. What did you do as a teenager? What were you worried about?

• Tell stories of grandparents or great-grandparents. Make heroes and heroines for your children.

8. Share the meaning of symbols, heirloom or special activities with children. If one doesn’t exist, create one.

• What is the meaning behind a jack o’ lantern, Cupid, candy-cane, fireworks, the bald eagle, etc.?

9. Be patient. Build slowly and allow for flexibility.

• Remember, over-ritualized families often sacrifice "symbolic meaning" for rigid observance of the "steps."

• Keep first things first. The main goal is to pass on to our children a legacy rich in meaning, rich in values and rich in memories.

Additional Resources

The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties, William, J. Doherty, Avon Books. ISBN: 038073205X.

Family Traditions: Celebrations for Holidays and Everyday, Elizabeth Berge, The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc.: Pleasantville, NY.

Steven A. Dennis, Extension Family Life Specialist

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